Best Jokes of the Week

THE WEEK'S BEST LATE-NIGHT LAUGHS

DAVID LETTERMAN

Osama bin Laden has a new tape. They know it's a recent tape, because in it he describes Salma Hayek as being smoking hot at the Golden Globes.

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Here's a cold weather tip: Take your boxer shorts and put them in the microwave. It's true. It's a little tip I learned from Rosie O'Donnell.

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It was cold today. So cold, people were throwing shoes at Al Gore.

JAY LENO

Obama says that one of the first things he'll do as president is close down Guantanamo Bay. President Bush said, "That's nothing -- I've closed down factories, car dealerships . . ."

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A spokesman for Obama says that the prisoners at Guantanamo will either be returned to their own countries or entered into the New York City cab drivers program.

CONAN O'BRIEN

Larry King interviewed President Bush and Bush told him, "My favorite colour is blue, and I love enchiladas." Unfortunately Bush was answering the question, "What was your greatest achievement as president?"

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A severe cold front hit the East Coast today, with a wind-chill factor near zero. In fact, it's so cold, thousands of people in New Jersey had to be treated for frozen mullet.

JIMMY KIMMEL

President Bush has declared a state of emergency for Washington, D. C. Apparently, the president obtained information that on Tuesday, an unidentified black man was plotting to break into and actually live in the White House.

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Larry King asked Bush if he lost any money in the economic crisis. Surprisingly, Bush said he has no idea where his money is because it's in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to collect a huge inheritance.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol gave birth to a boy named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Apparently, they're hoping that he will grow up to be a law firm.

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Michael Jackson signed a one-year lease on a $100,000-per-month French chateau-style estate in Bel-Air. Although, really, the only thing "French" about the estate is that children will be served wine.

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Despite warnings from the Secret Service over security concerns, president-elect Barack Obama said he is unwilling to give up his BlackBerry. Sort of the same way Bush wouldn't give up his LeapFrog.